


Back to You

by WhatIfs



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23373685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatIfs/pseuds/WhatIfs
Summary: Rafael Barba is back in town. He has dinner with Captian Benson and the trail of their conversation and actions helps him find closure to unresolved feelings for a certain someone.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 61





	1. Soul of a Man

**Author's Note:**

> Since there's only 20 episodes of SVU this season, let's just say this happened episode 21.

It was 8:37pm on a Friday night in New York City. Like everyday, the Captain had a long day as usual. They fortunately finished up a case, which made everyone at Manhattan SVU have a long, well-deserved weekend. On a typical night, she would be going home to be with her son and watch movies or read a book, but tonight was different. Tonight, she was going to have dinner with Rafael Barba.

She hasn’t seen Barba in years. Sure, they had their monthly phone calls and occasion facetimes calls, but this is the first time she’s seeing him in person. She recalls the beard he had during their last interaction and was wondering whether he would decide to keep it or not.

She gave a quick call to Lucy to check up on Noah. Once she got the okay, she entered the doors of Forlini’s and was quickly recognized by a familiar face.

“Liv, hey”

And there he was.

Rafael Barba lost a few pounds, has a beard, and was wearing a dark green sweater and jeans, the most casual she has ever seen him. He looked like a normal human being.

She walked towards him, brought her arms up for a hug, “Rafael, good to see you.”

“Likewise, how’s Noah?” Rafael said, returning the hug to his long-term friend.

“He’s doing well. He’s always wondering how you’re doing.”

The pair both took their seats

“How was everything in Iowa? I see you decided to keep the beard”

Rafael laughed, “Yeah I always wanted to let loose, and my job doesn’t care much for facial hygiene, so I wanted to try it out. Plus, it’s surprisingly comfortable.”

Olivia smiled. She looked at him and studied his facial expression.

He looked happier.

“Sounds like you’re enjoying your job. I’m happy for you Rafa.”

“I mean it doesn’t come with the ADA paycheque, but I’m in my comfort zone Liv.” He smiled at her, “but you’re right, I feel happier.”

Olivia smiles back, as she takes a sip of her water.

“We miss you up here. I’m sure the district attorney’s office misses you as well.”

“Yeah me too, I’ve missed being in New York City. But it was nice travelling around the country for the past year and a half so, there’s that. I’m planning to visit One Hogan later on this week. McCoy needed some files from an old case way back when, so I have to give it to him.”

Barba picks up the menu and starts to look through it.

Liv gives him a confused look, “You’re looking through the menu? With the amount of times you’ve been to this place, I would’ve thought you remembered everything on the menu. Maybe even franchise this place”

Rafael chuckled, “Aw c’mon Liv. They’ve got new food options here now that I have to try”, pointing at the green section of the menu.

Liv looked at the section he was pointing at, and gave him an unimpressed look, “Oh, so you’re vegan now?”

“No not quite. Just watching what I’m eating, so I wouldn’t mind that option if it’s offered.”

The waitress comes by their table and they place their orders. As she leaves, they get right back to their catch up.

“How’s the squad? Heard there’s been a few changes.”

Liv knew where this conversation was going but was willing to let Rafael control it.

“Finn and Rollins are doing well, still the same as before. You hear about Amanda’s new baby daughter, Billie?”

Rafael smiled, “Yes, I sent her congratulations during the time period.”

She continued, “We also got a new junior detective, Detective Tamin. As all of my new detectives, she still has a lot to learn, but she’s getting there. A great addition to the team though. If you come by the squad room one day, I’ll introduce you to her.”

“Of course, it would be nice to have a proper conversation with all of them.”

There was a moment of silence between the two. Olivia knew that Barba wasn’t asking how the new squad was doing, it was one person he was looking for. There were so many things that she and Barba needed to talk about, but there was something stopping Barba from continuing the conversation. She knew that Barba wanted to know how Carisi was doing.

She didn’t need to be a skilled detective to know that there’s tension going on between two people. Though neither of the two men have mentioned it to her, she knew.

She recalls their last encounter with one another, right after Rafael’s trial. She remembers seeing Carisi in the break room, on his phone trying to call someone.

_“Every time I look in there, Carisi always on his phone. What’s going on with him?”_

_Finn looked at Liv, “He’s been trying to get a hold of Barba for the past 3 days now.”_

_She stared at Carisi through the glass. She couldn’t believe that Barba wasn’t answering his calls._

_Looking back to Finn & Rollins, Liv asked, “Have any of you spoke to Barba recently?”_

_“I texted him after his trial. Just got a simple “Take care” and “Wish for all the best in your career with the NYPD” bullshit”_

_“Yeah same here” Rollins said._

_The three of them saw Carisi exit the breakroom, headed back to his desk._

_“Carisi” she said_

_He looked up and looked directly at Liv. She noticed that his eyes looked sad. The eyes that’s usually filled with joy and happiness, it wasn’t there._  
_“Everything alright?”_

_Carisi answered quickly and casually, “Yeah, yeah. I was just trying to get a hold of Bella. She’s been going through a lot the past few days.”_

_My detectives are a bunch of liars, she thought. But she didn’t let his lie bother her due to the circumstance. She responded with a gentle tone,_

_“Oh okay, it just looked intense. Just want to make sure that you’re alright.”_

_Carisi smiled at her and went directly back to what he was doing on his laptop. She gave Rollins & Finn a worried look and went straight to her office and shut the door. Liv took it upon herself to call Rafael herself. It rang a few times, and thankfully he picked up._

_“Hey Liv, I can’t-_

_“Carisi has been trying to call you for days. Why aren’t you answering his calls?”_

_Rafael sounded like he was in a rush, “It’s nothing Liv. I’m sorry I can’t talk long.”_

_“What’s going on Rafael?”_

_There was a silent pause on the other line._

_“Rafa?”_

_“I’m leaving the city.”_

_Now it was Liv’s turn to be silent, but it didn’t last long. “You’re what??”, her voice sounding more tense._

_“I need a fresh start. I told you that”_

_“Yes, I know, but I didn’t realize it meant you leaving the city so soon”_

_“Well McCoy called a few people for me and got me a municipal job with the city of Chicago. We’ll see how it goes from there. Sorry Liv, I really have to get going. Just tell Sonny that I’m leaving the city”_

_“Rafael, I think it’s better if you spea-_

_“Please Liv”_

_She sighted, “Alright. Take Care of yourself Rafa.”_

_“You too Liv.”_

With that memory she had of the two, she didn’t know whether if it was a good idea to bring it up or not. This wasn’t her business to begin with, but she did somehow get tied in the middle of it being some sort of mediator between the pair. Screw it, she thought. Rafael was one of her closest friends. She should know what’s happening in her best friend’s personal life. As she was about to say something to Rafael, he was surprisingly the one who spoke first,

“How’s Carisi doing?”

And there it was.

Liv stared at him, “He’s doing well. He won his first trial a few we-

“Yes, I heard about it”

“You have?”, Liv asked acting surprised

“Yes, I was in New York City during the time. It was a quick visit, visiting my mom, and saw him on the news” Rafael said as he took another sip of his scotch.

Olivia wanted to see how much of Rafael Barba she could open up.

“Have you spoken to him recently?”

Rafael stared at his glass of scotch.

Complete silence.

And there’s the Rafael Barba she wanted to see.

“I don’t think he wants to hear from me. The way I left things with him, it’s messy and unforgiveable. I don’t even forgive myself for doing it.”

He was right. Carisi wore his heart on his sleeve and openly cared so much for the well-being of others. He treated everyone with that attitude, but she knew that his relationship with Barba was different from anyone else. She saw it when Carisi first started at Manhattan SVU. He saw the young detective making his way to offer his remarks every time Barba was in the room. She thought it was just an admiration for the counselor, but she knew the difference between admiration & praise, and being attracted to someone. Rafael treated him with the utmost disrespect he doesn’t deserve, and it sure hitting him back hard.

All of a sudden, their waitress comes back with the food they ordered. With a small grin as thanks, they started to eat their chosen meals.

The pair take a few bites of their ordered food in silence. She noticed that Barba wasn’t looking up from his food. She thought to herself how this 48-year-old, grown-ass adult, is acting like a teenage boy, figuring how to reconcile with an ex.

“I’m sensing that you’ve been figuring out the perfect way to speak to him.”

He finally looks up from his plate, “Well with the way I left things, it’s kind of hard to find the right place or time to encounter.”

She knew she needed to find a way for Rafael to get to talk to him because he sure as hell wasn’t trying hard enough. She needed him to feel bad, and she knew a perfect way to do so.  
As Rafael continued to eat his meal, Liv stared at him and said, “You know, I thought this get together would be about us, celebrating all the accomplishments that we’ve occurred during our time apart from each other.”

Rafael dropped his fork and offered a look of apology “As it should be, I’m sorry Liv. You’re right”

Now that she made Barba feel bad, she needed him to agree with the next step they’re about to take. But there was a right way to do this.

“No, I find it really sweet, Rafa.” Liv smiled, “I’ve never seen you needing advice or help when it comes to your personal life.” She looked at him, “I’ve always knew there was something going on between you and Carisi, but I couldn’t put a name to it.

Giving her a weak smile of surrender, he finally gave in. “He’s the first man that I thought of potentially having a future with.” He continued on, “With all the time we spent together, doing case work, mentoring him, or simply stopping by my office to drop off files, I had this different, softer feeling around him. I realized that I was smiling more every time he greeted me, or offered some sort of salutation.

I would always be giving him shit, but that was only because I didn’t want him to see right through me. But he’s a smart guy and broke right through it. We had 4 dates and spent a lot of time together before and after our shifts.”

He took another sip of his scotch before continuing, “And then one morning, I was just staring at him. I was fiddling with his hair and touching his face. As I was doing that, I started thinking how a grumpy-old man like I ended up with someone so bright, and so beautiful, inside and out, as Sonny. He deserved someone that can give happiness, and I knew for a fact that I couldn’t give that to him. He needed someone much better than the bitterness that I was giving everyone.”

As Rafael concluded his confession of love, Liv felt heartache for his friend. All he wanted was someone to love, and he found that someone. But didn’t believe that he deserved it.  
Liv offered her intake, “If I’m being honest here, there’s no way we’re going to be able to talk about anything else until you’ve sorted this thing that’s clearly been going through your head for a long time.”

Rafael let out his breath, “You’re absolutely right, Liv. If I’m being honest, there was a lot of moments where I could’ve come home to deal with this, but I just didn’t have the balls to do so.”

She took another sip of her water and leaned up on the table and crossed her arms. Barba noticed that she wasn’t eating her food anymore.

“What is it?”

Olivia gave him a look, that almost looked like a smirk. “He’s still in his office at One Hogan, if you want to see him.”

He rolled his eyes, “You’ve got to be kidding me”

“Yup. He came by the precinct this morning and picked up files and paperwork from our previous cases. He told us that he’s going to pull an all-nighter at his office tonight, just in-case anyone wanted to help him out.”

Rafael stared into blank space.

“C’mon Rafa, you just poured out your heart for him. I’m sure that if he heard this from you, he would be able to forgive you.” He looked back at the Captain as she continued, “You know Sonny as well as I do. He’ll listen and open up, as long as you’re willing too as well.”

Rafael took the final sip of scotch left in his cup and nodded to Liv. “Alright then, let’s give him a visit.”

She smiled and raised her hand to call for the bill.

“That won’t be necessary Liv. I already gave our waitress my credit card before you came, so don’t event think of taking your wallet out.”

Liv gave him a knowing look as she stood up, putting her coat on.

As the waitress came by to return his credit card, he signed the receipt, left a generous tip, and the pair exit their favorite restaurant and made their way to Barba’s former workplace.


	2. Left with memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael goes through a lot of memories that has given him so much joy, and heartache as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like flashbacks.

Rafael and Liv enter One Hogan place, heading for Carisi’s office. Something in Rafael hoped that he would be there, but a small part of him wish he wasn’t. He hated the way how he didn’t say goodbye to the squad before he left the District Attorney’s office, but this is the only way he can make amends.

As they enter, it was dark. It was 10:15pm and there was no one there except for security guards. Rafael still remembers the place. He knew exactly where his office was, and basically everything else. It was like the past 2 years didn’t happen.

They enter ADA offices, and it was empty.

Sonny wasn’t there.

What a relief, Barba tells himself.

“Hmmm I thought he would be here. He told me that he was going to stay late, but I guess his fatigue got to the best at him.”

That’s good.

“Maybe it’s for the best, Liv.” He says as he enters the office

“Oh, c’mon Barba, why don’t you give him a call this weekend.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Distracted, Barba walked over to the empty desk that had “ADA Dominick Carisi Jr.” on it and he sees something that looked familiar.

He had photos on his desk. 4 in total.

There were photos of Carisi and his parents when he graduated from the NYPD academy. There was a photo of his sisters and himself at what looks like Bella’s wedding and another photo of what it looks like to be the Carisi-clan at Christmas mass.

And there was one more.

It was a photo of the old squad. Liv, Rollins, Finn, Carisi… and him. It was a photo from SVU New Years party from a few years back. Carisi left a photo of him on his desk.

Barba picks up the photo and studied it more.

“He still cares about you Rafa. I mean if he didn’t, I don’t think he would be keeping a photo of you on his desk.

She had a point.

All of sudden, Liv’s phone stars to ring.

Benson scrambles through her purse, searching for her phone. Once she finally finds it, she answers, “Captain Bens– oh hi Lucy”

Barba looked at her as she answers her phone call.

“Yeah, he’s been having a lot of those, tell you what, I’ll be there in 10mins".

Aw shit.

"No, no, don’t be sorry. Ok, see you then. Bye”

Rafael puts down the photo, “Duty calls”

“Being a mother means you’re always on duty.”

Rafael chucked, “Let me walk you out”

“Are you going to stay behind?”

“No, there’s no need. I’ll be coming back later this week. I have the files I need to give to McCoy.”

Liv gives him a stare.

“The longer you delay this, the longer you’re going to keep worrying, and worrying.”

“I know, Liv.”

The pair starts to walk towards the exit.

“You’re going to be okay, Rafa?”

“Yes. Thanks for tonight. I’ve missed you, Liv.”

“Promise me you won’t be a stranger.

Rafael nods in agreement.

Text me when you get home, yeah?”

“I will. Tell Noah that Uncle Rafa is going to visit him soon with all the birthday gifts I missed.” Rafael watches her go in the Uber and leave. As Rafael stands there in thought, there’s no way he could go home now. He wanted to see Carisi, it’s been too long. His heart couldn’t take it anymore.

He looks at his watch and see that it’s almost 11pm. Maybe it would be reasonable to go home and try again later on the week.

As he turns to the direction of his apartment, he sees something familiar figure walking up the steps.

No.

He watches the mysterious figure enter through the doors of the building and disappeared.

Barba didn’t even realize that he was following that figure. He enters the doors of One Hogan place once again with no idea to what he was doing.

As he enters the office again, there was something new. The office lamp was turned on and there was a bag of food on Carisi’s desk.

He’s here.

Carisi is here.

He sat on the chair that was placed in-front of the desk.

What was he doing, he wondered? He knew that Carisi was still in the building and was going to be back any minute now, but there was something in him that couldn’t move. He wanted to see Carisi. He missed Carisi. He just needed to see him. He grabbed that photo from before, from his desk and looked at it once more. His mind went into a softer, safer moment, until,

“Barba?”

Rafael froze. He can recognize that voice in his sleep.

He turns around to see Carisi holding a bottle of ginger ale.

He looks so good, Barba thought. Carisi’s hair was slicked back more, and how about that suit.

“Hey”, Rafael says softly.

Both of them just stare at each other for a few seconds.

Carisi broke the silence, “What are you doing here? It’s late.”

“Liv and I had dinner. We decided to come by.”

Carisi just stares at him, “You guys decided to come by? For fun?”

“Uh she said that you were working late and, you said that you-

“Where’s Liv anyways?”

“She had to go home. Children don’t take care of themselves”, Rafael joked.

Carisi didn’t respond to that. Instead, he walked around him to his desk and took a seat.

Rafael knew that Carisi wouldn’t be the one asking the questions, so Rafael started off with an easy one.

“How are you?”

Carisi looks up at him, “Agh y’know, I’ve been at this for a few months. Still trying to figure out how all of this works”

“Yeah I was like that when I first started.” Rafael sitting up straight on his chair, placing his arms on Carisi’s desk, “By the way, congrats on this – all that you’ve accomplished. I wanted to call you but –

“Call me, huh?”

Rafael stared at him, shocked at his response.

“Like those times when I called you when you left the office, but didn’t return my calls?”

“Carisi I –

“Y’know Fin & Amanda had to tell me to stop trying to call you.”

Barba didn’t say anything.

“Yeah, I called you everyday – twice a day. They were getting suspicious to why I couldn’t stop. But they knew Barba, they’re damn detectives, but that didn’t stop me.”

Carisi started to get the food out of the bag.

“And then Liv tells me that you guys spoke one morning, which she told me you were leaving New York, and moving to Chicago.”

“Carisi, you know I was in a bad place. I didn’t want you to-

“After everything we’ve been through Barba, you know me better than that.”

He sure fucking did. Everything they been through. Once Carisi said that, Barba recalls a memory in his head

_May 2016_

_“What a beautiful service.”_

_“Yes, very lovey” Barba said as he sat down on the bar stool. He’s been to several funerals for colleagues, but this one was different. Mike Dodds was one of the good guys in the NYPD, and he was gone too soon._

_As their drinks arrived in-front of them, he can feel Carisi’s eyes on him. Something has shifted between him and Carisi. With all the mentoring that he’s been doing with him, along with the late-night case meetings, there was something there._

_Carisi noticed that Barba thoughts were somewhere else, so he made sure that the was nothing to worry about,_

_“Counselor, just so you know, we haven’t arrested Heredio yet, but we have units posted around his block.”_

_Rafael give him a small smile, “I’m not worried. Not in here.”_

_They both grabbed their drinks and drank it down._

_His eyes. He couldn’t stop staring at Carisi. There was something in his eyes that sparkled and suddenly, he felt lighter. He continued to smile at him until he heard Rollins speaking up, getting ready for a toast for the late Sargent._

_Oh yeah, this moment wasn’t about him. This was for Mike Dodds._

_As people were leaving the bar, Barba spent a few minutes going through his phone and answering emails. He was interrupted by a friendly face,_

_“Hey Counselor, where are heading right now? You wanna split a cab”_

_“I have the rest of the day off, so I’m probably going to head home and do a bit of catch up on cases”_

_“You taking a cab?”_

_“No I have to call security intel. They have to escort me home.”_

_“There’s no need to call them, I can do it.”_

_Barba turns to face him, “You’re going to walk me home detective?”_

_“Well I don’t want you to wait, so I would be happy to.”_

_Barba hesitated, though having Carisi as his bodyguard does make him feel a bit safer, plus he wouldn’t mind the company._

_“Alright then. My apartment is just around the corner, so there’s no need for a cab.”_

_“Sound good Barba, I just gotta tell Liv that I’m heading out.”_

_Both men said their goodbyes to the rest of the squad. Carisi gently mentioned that he was going to drop Barba home, which gave Rollins a look that Carisi seen before._

_Rollins saw that Barba was talking with Liv and brought Carisi to the side._

_“Dropping your boyfriend home?”_

_Carisi gives his friend an unpleasant look, “He’s not my boyfriend. I just want to make sure he arrives home safe. The perp is still out there, so he needs the best to guide him.”_

_“Yeah right”_

_Rollins knew that he had a thing for the counselor. Carisi was one of her close friends and he knew that she doesn’t want to see him get hurt._

_Barba was coming his way, and Carisi acknowledged him. He touched her shoulder, “I’ll see you tomorrow Rollins”_

_As the pair left the bar, Carisi seemed more anxious as usual. “Lead the way counselor”_

_Both men stood in silence for a few minutes. Barba saw Carisi constantly looking around to see if anything suspicious was going on in their surroundings. It was kind of cute, he thought. It was 4 minutes of doing that, and then they entered quieter street, which he assumed was Barba’s neighbourhood, so he relaxed a bit._

_“No need to be an FBI agent here detective. My neighbourhood is one of New York’s safest”_

_“Just taking precaution, Barba”_

_Rafael found it adorable. Yes, it was his job to be aware, but he never seen him like this before. He needed to say something to him, to get him to relax even more._

_“I really appreciate you doing this Carisi. All of these threats have been getting on my nerves recently and it’s been giving me a lot of anxiety.”_

_Carisi turned to look at him, “Of course, whatever you need Barba. I’m here for you.”_

_Carisi glared at him and started to say something. He couldn’t quite get it out, but it eventually did, “Since we’re speaking on appreciation counselor, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve appreciated all the mentoring sessions we’ve had together”, the detective said. “I mean you didn’t have to do it, but you did, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you.”_

_This again? They already went through the thank you’s and your welcomes._

_“Carisi, you don’t have to. I –_

_“No, I do. I feel so lucky to have found someone who’s so generous with his time, and someone willing to share his knowledge on-_

_“I recall that you’ve repeatedly thanked me already.”_

_Carisi moved closer to him._

_“Yeah, I know, but I just wanted to say it again. With everything that went on during the past week with Dodds dying, I don’t want to live through life without telling those I love how much I appreciate them.”_

_Barba stopped walking and stared at him._

_Love._

_Carisi said Love._

_He was one of the people that he loves._

_Carisi kept walking and noticed that Barba wasn’t by his side. The counselor continued to stare at the taller man, until Carisi realized his past remarks._

_“Oh shit. I didn’t mean that. I meant that with uh, you y’know, the squad, and uh, everyone else at SVU. Also the person who, uh, delivered the-_

_He was stuttering._

_Mr. Big-mouth/can’t stop talking Carisi, was stuttering his words._

_Well I be dammed, Barba thought._

_“-with Dodds dying, y’know appreciating your surroundings is essential and-_

_“I think you meant everything you said Detective.”_

_For the first time ever, Carisi didn’t have anything to say._

_“Carisi”_

_The detective finally made eye-contact with the counselor, “What if I’m willing to admit it?” Carisi was reaching for him, “Tell me how you would react Counselor”_

_Barba moved closer to the taller man. Carisi didn’t move one bit. Barba looked into his eyes as his left-hand was reaching over the detective’s chin. He didn’t have to tip-toe as much as Carisi brought his lips right where Barba wanted._

_When they broke apart, Barba gave him a smile._

_“That’s how I would react, detective.”_

_Carisi was still holding on to him, and Barba didn’t want him to let go._

_“My apartment is the next one. Why don’t you come up? I have the rest of the day off and I recall you do as well”_

_Carisi smiled. “Lead the way counselor”_

~

He was right. Carisi knew him like a book, and he knew him like the encyclopedia. Carisi saw that Barba was lost in thought, so his voice got a bit louder, “Barba?”

Looking back the former detective, he needed to stand up for himself. “Yeah well I was at a bad place.”

“Wow, I really thought you coming over here was going to mean something, but the fact that you can’t even face responsibility makes me think that you’re still the same person as before.”

No. That’s not what he wanted to hear. “No, no please Sonny, let me explain.”

“I really have to get a lot work done, if you don’t mind.” Carisi said as he opened up the first file placed on his desk.

“Why don’t I stay and help you out with whatever you’re doing.” Barba said, as he got up from his seat and walked towards Carisi’s side of the desk.

“Barba no, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m fine.”

“Why not? Liv mention that you opened an all-nighter slot to the rest of the squad. Why am I no different? I would be happy to assist you with anything you need a second opinion on.”

“Oh, so you’re really interested on the six case files I need to have completed by noon tomorrow morning?”

“Well if it means I’m a step closer to you accepting my apology, then yes. I’m willing to do anything in your favor to make sure that we’re okay once again.”

Sonny was in disbelief, “You have to be fucking kidding me? Barba please, you had your chance. You’re the one who ended things with us and didn’t have the balls to fucking talk about it. You didn’t even have the balls to talk about our break-up, or even telling me that you left the state for good. I don’t think I can go through another heartbreak again, let alone with you, so my answer is no. This isn’t going to work."

Rafael looked at him. Everything Carisi was saying, he was right. He’s been an asshole the whole time they were together, in which he had every right to decline his plea, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to stop trying.

He bent his knees and reached out for his hands.

Sonny flinched away, but Rafael quickly grabbed them back. “What are you doi-

“Sonny please, let me say this, please. Give me a few minutes to explain myself.”

Carisi tries to pull his hands away, but Barba wouldn’t allow him. He let a breath out and accept defeat. Barba nodded his head,

“Yeah okay. 2 minutes.”

Ok, it’s game time, Barba was thinking. He’s only has one shot to not fuck this up. He isn’t prepared, so he knows that it’s from his heart. Here he goes,

“Sonny, I don’t think I can leave this room without knowing that there’s another chance for us. I honestly can’t Sonny.”

“Well, then I don’t know what to-

“Wait, please let me finish. I don’t think I’m able to say this without reality getting to me, so please. I need this.

Sonny nodded is head and allowed him to continue.

“I know you’re upset with me and you have every right not to forgive me, I don’t even forgive myself. But when you believe is something so much, then it’s something worth fighting for. I’m willing to fight for this Sonny. I will fight for this because for the past 2 years, there wasn’t a moment where you weren’t on my mind. Literally everything I was doing, reminded me of you. Whether I was in Chicago, Arizona, Iowa, and even here, in Manhattan, you were on my mind all the damn time.

When I was in Chicago, I attended the mayor’s toast celebration. As I was getting ready, I was still unpacking my stuff in my new apartment, and the suit that I wore on our first date popped up, and I started getting these flashbacks.”

_June 2016_

_Rafael heard knocking on his door._

_Sonny was here._

_After their last encounter, Sonny promised that he’d take Rafael out on a proper first date. As Rafael fixed his collar, he walked out of his room and towards the door. He took a breath and opened the door._

_There was Sonny, smiling back at him. He was wearing a black suit, with a maroon tie. He was holding a bouquet of yellow roses, with a small stuffed teddy bear attached to it._

_“Raf. You look amazing.”_

_“I can say the same for you as well.”_

_“I got these for you.” Sonny handing him the flowers, “I remember you mentioned that your mom loved yellow roses, and I presumed you liked them too so.”_

_Rafael was screwed._

_“Thank you, Sonny. They’re lovely.”_

_Sonny smiled at him, “You’re welcome. Ready to go?”_

_“Yeah, let me just-_

_As Rafael was locking the door, Sonny reached over and briefly touched his collar. “I love this color on you Raf. It really brings out your eyes.”_

_~_

He remembered, Sonny thought. As he was about to speak, but Rafael wasn’t finished yet,

“And then a few months later, I was in Arizona, and those feeling came back once again. I just had a meeting with a few of my college buddies who work for the state, and as we were going to a café for a catch up, the café they took me just so happened to have citrus desserts as their specialty dish.”

_August 2016_

_“Raf, I promise you that you’re going to love it.”_

_“I honestly doubt it.”_

_Sonny walked over to the couch and handed him a piece of cake._

_“What is this?”_

_“Raf, it’s lemon cake. I’ve been telling you about it all week. Ma always made it for us when we were younger.”_

_“Ok fine, only because it’s your mom’s recipe, and I wouldn’t want to disrespect Mrs. Carisi.”_

_Sonny watched him take a bite, “What do you think?”_

_“This is actually pretty good.” He said as he took another bite, “And I’m not just saying that because we’re sleeping together.”_

_Sonny nudged him and joined him on the couch._

_As they continued to eat their cake and watch the New York City dog show on TV, Sonny caught himself starring at Rafael for a while. Rafael notice it,_

_“Sonny, I already said I liked it. Are you fishing for more praise?”_

_“Oh, no Raf. It’s just everything that been going on between us for the past few weeks.” Sonny said as he sat straight, “I just feel so comfortable and relaxed whenever I’m around you. I honestly never want to let go of this feeling, ever.”_

_Rafael looked into his eyes, and gave him a small smile, “Yeah.” Rafael grabbed his hand, “me too.”_

_He let go of his hand, and grabbed Sonny’s face and kissed him._

_Sonny smiled as he kissed him back with the same force._

_When they parted ways, Sonny smiled and continued eating his cake._

_Rafael grabbed his plate and fork and started putting the remainder of his slice towards Sonny’s plate, “Now that you said all of that, I have to tell you that I’ve always hated citrus desserts.”_

_“Rafa, you got to be kidding me!” Sonny said, as he grabbed the nearest pillow and hit Rafael with it._

_~_

As Rafael finished that memory, Carisi had started to see the sympathy in his eyes. Rafael Barba was pouring his heart out, while crouching on his feet, holding his hands.

This is the same person that Carisi thought that was incapable of showing genuine care for another human being. But here he was, confessing his love for him. This is the same man who gave him have butterflies in his stomach every time he entered the room. The man who used clapback’s, so that his teases wouldn’t be mistaken for flirting. The man he was always excited to see wherever, or whatever he was doing. But also, the man who left him, for a better life without him. The man who refused to answer his calls as he was pleading to him to come back to him. The man who moved on with his life and left him with extreme heartache.

No. As much as those memories makes his heart soft, he couldn’t fall for this. 

“Barba, I -

“No, I’m not done yet Sonny. There’s one more memory, which was the last straw for me.” Rafael started to feel his eyes getting moist, as this last part, he got up from his position, and sat on the floor.

Carisi looked at him, confused.

“Iowa.”

He remembers that Liv mentioned that he and Barba had video-called each other, and that he sends his regards to the squad. He recalls Liv looking directly at him for some sort of respond towards Barba’s remarks, but he made sure that we wouldn’t show any sign of emotions. He felt Finn & Rollins looking at him for a respond but chose not to say anything.

“I had just come back from New York, after visiting my mom, and I saw you on the television about your trial. I was going to come by here with a bottle of champagne as a congratulations, but then the Iowa Primary was happening soon and they needed all hands-on deck.”

Barba smirked, “or maybe I wanted to think that they needed my presence, so that I could avoid seeing you. Anyways, when I arrived in Iowa, there was so much going on. The volunteers there were mostly political science majors who wanted the first primary of the year on their portfolio when they graduate. Anyways, since the people there were stressed and burned out, I witnessed the 2 of the college volunteers lose their shit. 

One of the kids yelled to the other, who I presumed seemed to be her boyfriend, ‘You walk away from me, and we’re done.’”

Barba looked at Sonny from the floor, “That sentence just kept rolling over, and over, and over in my mind, because it sounded so familiar. Something so familiar, that I recall it from another situation that I can never forgive myself for.”

_September 2016_

_Rafael woke up as he hears the birds chirping outside. It was 7:47am on a Saturday morning, Sonny was still asleep next to him. He didn’t want to wake up Sonny, so he just remained in bed. He turned his body around and stared at his boyfriend sleep so softly._

_How did I get so lucky, Barba thought. As his thoughts rambled in his head, he started to touch Sonny’s hair. Some strands were getting on his face, and he started playing around with his hair._

_Rafael suddenly gets a text message, with an oddly different sound from its usual sound. It’s his mother. He specifically gave his mother a specific text-noise so that he knows to answer immediately. He reads the message,_

_Mami: Raf, I’m outside your apartment building._

_His eyes went big. What was she doing there?_

_Rafael got out of bed and left the bedroom. He called his mother,_

_“Mami”_

_“Raf, hey. Are you able to buzz your own mother up so she can see her son?”_

_“I’m actually not home right now.”_

_“It’s 8am on a Saturday morning, where are you? Did Lieutenant Benson call you in?”_

_I mean, he could lie. His mother wasn’t always a fan of his boyfriends, so mentioning Sonny would be pointless._

_“Raf?”_

_“Uh, I went out to get some coffee”_

_Rafael can feel his mother’s eyes roll, “Are you serious Rafael? What kind of lawyer are you, terrible at lying, even to your own mother.”_

_Busted._

_“Ok fine Mami. I met someone, and I’m at his place right now.”_

_His mother was silent, but responded, “You’re a grown man, you’re allowed to do that.”_

_This is going well, he thought._

_“Is it getting serious? What does he do?”_

_Of course, his occupation is her concern._

_“He’s a junior detective. He works under Lieutenant Benson at SVU so I se-_

_“You work with him?_

_Oh no. There it is._

_“Yes, I do, but we haven-_

_“End it Raf."_

_“What”_

_“Are you deaf, son? I said end it. You’re putting your career on the line, and for what? For pleasure and assurance? No. This is going to end up with one of you getting your heartbroken, in which is going to affect your work life. This cannot happen Rafael. You and I have sacrificed too much to get to where you are. You’ve worked so hard for all of this to be thrown away in a heartbeat.”_

_Not entirely shocked by her response, he answers with a soft tone, “Mami, you’re overthinking this.”_

_“No, I’m not Rafael. I’ve seen this happen with my own eyes to so many people, and I will not see it happen to my only child.”_

_“Mami, plea-_

_“Raf, I don’t want to hear it. Good-bye.”_

_And just like that, she hung up._

_Fuck._

_Rafael didn’t know what to do about it. His mother was right. His job was his everything, and his relationship with Sonny is going to make it even more complicated._

_He couldn’t bare to see Sonny after his conversation with his mother. So he quietly grabbed his clothes, and put them on, and left Sonny’s apartment._

_He ignored Sonny’s messages for the rest of the weekend until Monday morning came. Rafael left Liv’s office, and on his way to the elevator. Trying to ignore the rest of the squad, he sees Sonny at the break room. Sonny notices Rafael quickly, and ran up to him._

_“Raf, can we talk.”_

_Shit. Rafael knew that he had to talk to Sonny at some point. He was just going to keep nagging him until he tells him._

_“Fine, but not here.”_

_Sonny leads the way, looking behind, making sure no one’s looking at them as the went to the precinct’s overnight room. Once the door shut between the pair, Sonny speaks first,_

_“What’s going on Raf? Why haven’t you answered any of my calls or text messages throughout the whole weekend. Are you feeling okay, I’m worried about you”_

_Aw fuck. This is going to hurt like a bitch._

_“Sonny, I don’t think we can see each other anymore.”_

“ _What?”_

_“I think we had fun, but I can’t move forward with this. There’s just too much to lose with our careers and-_

_Sonny’s voice began to get louder, “Our careers? What we have here is more than our careers Rafael. This is our life._

_“Yeah I know, but I just been thinking a lot lately, and the logical thing to do for both of our sakes is to keep our relationship a professional one.”_

_He notices that the detective is become more angry, as he starts to turn red and his voice becoming louder, “Rafael, I told you months ago, I gave you so many hints that I wanted this to be long-term. And you told me multiple times, more than I have, that you too were also having same thoughts as I. What happened? What are you afraid of?”_

_Why didn’t he understand this? This was supposed to be for the best for both of them. Rafael started to sound annoyed, “I can’t have this conversation with you. I said what I said, and if we continue this, we have too much to lose if we get caught, and I don’t want to risk any of it. We’re finished.”_

_He started to walk away, not wanting to see Sonny’s face as he leaves the precinct,_

_“Rafael, you walk away from here, then we’re done. That’s it for us.”_

_He turned his head around, “I’m so sorry Sonny.”_

_As he walks through the door, he hears “I’ll never forgive you for this Barba.”_

~

Both of the men recall the memory.

Throughout that time period to when they broke off their relationship, to the day Rafael left the New York DA’s office, they managed to keep their relationship on the professional side. They never talked about their breakup, so they just kept doing what matters most, their jobs. However, there were moments where one of them would catch the other starring at the other for a long time, but brush it off. Carisi remembers Rollins constantly asking him what happened between them but refused to answer each time.

Carisi saw a few drops fall from Barba’s eyes as he finished that story. He clearly still had feelings for him, after all they been through, but Carisi thought that it hurt so much to love him. He been saying so much shitty things to Barba, since he saw him. He could give him some sort of light, “Well, if you called any of those times in Chicago, Arizona, and Iowa, even when you visited your mother, you know I would’ve been there in a heartbeat. All you had to do was call Barba."

Rafael gave him a weak smile, “Sonny, during the past 2 years, I couldn’t breath. I thought about you all the time, and I still do.” Getting up from the floor, he sat on the edge of Sonny’s desk, looking him straight in his eyes, “I couldn’t take it then, and I can't take it now. so I decided to move back here, in Manhattan."

Sonny stopped what he was doing and looked at him as he continued,

“Y’know I thought life was about having everything that I’ve worked hard for, but it took me awhile to notice that my career isn’t what makes me happy. My trial was such an eye-opener for every single thing in my life. With that realization, I don’t think I'm going to win this journey of life until I have you by my side. _Everything came back to you, Sonny,_ and I’m going to fight hard to have you in my life." 

He paused for a second before continuing, "But if you don’t feel the same way and see that my fighting doesn’t mean anything to you, or that your heart doesn’t have one sense of feeling for me, then just tell me to stop, and I’ll stop.”

Sonny is staring at him as Rafael grabs his hand once again, "I’ll stop and leave you alone. I’ll stop, and you’ll never hear from me, again.” He squeezed it tighter, “But if you’re willing to give me one more chance, we can take it one day at a time. It doesn’t have to be anything official.” Rafael starts rubbing his thumb on his Carisi's hand, “It’s your pace Sonny. Until you’re ready, I will be waiting.

But please, please just give me something that will give me hope. Something that will help me get through the next few days, because it’s been killing me.”

Sonny looked at Rafael.

He has no idea how to respond to that. 


	3. Something to Believe in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Sonny & Rafael's encounter

Rafael and Olivia were sitting in her office, having a drink together. He promised her that he would come by the precinct to greet the squad and have a catch up with them during their dinner last week. They were later joined by Kat, Finn & Rollins once they finished their final interviews, along with paperwork from a case they just wrapped up. Rollins & Finn greeted the former ADA with enthusiasm and introduced Kat to him. The squad has been at it non-stop for the past 2 weeks, and it was nice having this time to sit-back and relax. Kat and Rollins sat beside each other on the couch, Finn and Rafael were sitting on the empty chairs in front of the Captain’s desk, and Liv brought her chair over to the join them. Barba recalls this sense of relaxation and friendly conversation several times where they would go to Forlini’s after a tough case, and just relaxed their minds. This alternative get together was nice, he thought. 

Barba mentioned that he and Liv were drinking scotch and offered some to those who wanted some. Finn was the only one to take up on the offer, with the other 2 detectives decline the offer. 

“So, have you decided what you’re going to do now that you’re back in the city?” Rollins asked as she got comfortable on the couch. 

“I’m actually going to try out teaching.”

“Teaching?” Rollins questions as she took a sip of her coffee, “You don’t say?”

Takin a sip of his scotch, “My mom being a primary school teacher always gave me an interest in teaching others, so I wanted to give it at try. McCoy knew a couple of faculties in the industry and put in a good word. I got a couple offers from NYU, Fordham & Columbia.”

“I would have never pictured that for you Barba.” Finn said, “But good for you man. Someone got to teach those kids."

Rafael smiled at them, “I’m excited for it. I’ve been sitting behind a desk for so long. It’s something new.” 

“I’m happy for you Rafa.” Liv says, bringing her hand out for her friend, and holding it. As Liv, Finn and Rafael have a separate conversation, Kat and Rollins had a quiet, side conversation between the group. 

“He’s the ADA before Mr. Carisi? 

“Well the one before our previous ADA.” Rollins corrected, “He’s one of the good guys, Kat.” 

“The one that you and the Sargent always talk about?”

Rollins was confused for a second. She doesn’t recall talking about Barba to Finn all the time. The moments where Barba was brought up was when her and the Sargant were talking about Carisi. 

Oh shit. 

She didn’t even realize how exposed their conversation were. Ever since Carisi got got his new job, her and Finn were non-stop about this topic. After hearing that Babra was coming back to the city, she didn’t want to admit that they were looking for a way to get the former colleagues get back together for some sort of reunion. Looking back at the new detective, she added, “How did you- have you been eavesdropping on our conversations?”

“Well yes, only because you guys make it really obvious. And I’m still trying to play catch up."

“Kat, whatever isn’t work related isn’t supposed to be spoken of, anywhere." She made sure that it was clear to the rookie, "Y’Know, the Sarg and I are just looking out for Carisi. We’ve known each other for a long time, and Rafael and him have had some history. So it’s better- 

“No, I got it, I was just curious. My mouth will be shut, you got my word.” 

Rollins gave her a smile of thanks and appreciation. As the two women finished their quiet conversation, they caught up with what the rest of the squad was taking about. 

“I never wanted to ask you this Barba, because I hate judging people’s life choices, but how can you drink this stuff?”

The squad laughed as they noticed that Finn had barely drank the scotch in his cup. 

“No one is forcing you to drink it Sarg.” Kat commented 

Finn hands the drink to the Captain, and grabbed his water bottle that was placed beside him. The group continued to laugh at Finn’s actions. They all knew that he was a beer drinker, and that he was just being polite by sampling the beverage. 

“Life of an ADA." Barba said, "You need something to push through the numbness you need to display on a daily basis.”

This was the perfect opportunity to see whether he and Carisi have been in touch recently, Rollins thought. She knew that Finn was dying to know about it too, he was just better at hiding it. She notices that the Captain doesn’t seem to be wondering as well. Did she know? Have they had a conversation about it already? She probably spoken to both, which is why she isn’t saying anything, right? Rollins couldn’t tell. She gave Finn a knowing look, and he shook his head as a response. Fuck it, she thought. As the current conversation was dying down, the detective thought there was only one way to find out. 

“Have you spoken to Carisi recently?

Finn brought a hand to his face in disbelief. 

Rollins noticed that Barba looked at Liv before answering her.

“Yes, I have.” He looked at his scotch for a few seconds before responding again, “I saw him last week at One Hogan Place after the Captain and I had dinner.” 

“Yeah that was the night where Carisi invited us to pull an all-nighter because of work that Hadid wanted him to complete.” 

“I don’t know what made him think that any of us wanted to stay up, on a Friday night, doing case work.” Finn said, looking directly at the former ADA, “I mean the only time that ever happened was when you mentioned that you had a lot of work to do, and Carisi would always insist on helping you out. On a Friday night.” 

Barba laughed, "Yeah, I don’t ever recall asking for help, more rather complaining."

“Well we all know how open Carisi is to offer a helping hand.” Liv added. 

Rollins noticed that Liv was trying to change the subject. She looked over at Finn once again, who was giving her a silent signal for her to finish the conversational topic and move on to something else. 

All of sudden they heard knocking on the door, “Hey guys.” 

Everyone in the room looked at the direction of the noise. 

Carisi.

Rollins looked at Finn with big eyes, and Finn returned the same reaction to her. The pair have been following the tension between Barba & Carisi for the past 4 years, so this feeling was like winning the jackpot. They have been there for the very long, noticeable glances, the flirting, the bickering between the two during case discussions, the late nights at Forlini’s, their secretive break-up, the aftermath of Barba’s trial and dealing with Carisi’s emotion, and finally, now. They’re here now, and they need answers. 

Kat noticed them and gave the two a look as well. Rollins responded with giving her eyes along with a smile, without being too obvious. 

Liv spoke on behalf of the squad, “Carisi, hey. Care to join us for a drink?” 

Before Carisi could answer, Rollins gave an eager, “yeah join us!”, moving over on the couch, squishing Kat. 

“Actually, I’m feeling tired. It’s been a long week, right? I’m just here to pick up some-”

Rollins didn’t allow Carisi to finish his sentence due to her excitement, “So what brings you by?”

Hearing the tiredness in his voice, “Like I said, I was here for a pickup.”

She took another sip of her coffee. Pick up? Rollins thought. All the files and paperwork he needed were already delivered to him, why would he-

“Ready to go, Raf?”

Rollins spit out her drink and yelled, “Raf???? Wait a sec…… what the hell” 

“No way.” Finn spoke is a loud tone. He paused, and repeated it over and over again. "No fucking way.”

Rafael and Liv smiled at the rest of the squad, laughing a little, then looked behind to see Carisi's reaction. 

Rollins, still shocked at the greeting, yelled out “Sonny, you son of a bitch, you didn’t tell me!” She threw the couch pillow at him, “You tricked us…. How long?” 

“Oh, not too long”, grabbing Rafael’s jacket from the coat hook, “Rafael came by my office last week basically begged me to take him back.” Carisi laughed a bit. “And you guys know I’m a sucker for confessions, especially when the person giving it is a pain in the ass and actually puts effort and genuine feelings in it. So, I couldn’t resist.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as he started to get up from his seat, heading towards the door frame. Sonny put the jacket on him. 

Smiling from a distance Rollins said, “So you guys are finally a thing, like officially.”

“Really Amanda? I couldn’t make it any clear” 

“FINALLY" she yelled out loud, and went over to hug her best friend. "I'm so happy for you guys. You two deserve one another."

Finn, still speechless over the whole situation was focused on one thing, “You were in on this, Captain?” 

“Hey, it isn’t any of my business who they choose to tell, and who they don’t tell. Don’t get mad at me.”

Rafael picked up his bag and got ready to leave the precinct, “It was nice to see all of you again, I hope to see you all soon."

Walking back towards the couch, “Oh I think we will Barba. We'll be seeing a lot of you, and especially your lawyer boyfriend."

Laughing once again, Liv concluded the reunion by giving the final remarks, “Have a good night you two."

"But don't have too much fun", Finn yelled as they walked away from the Captain's office. 

Sonny grabbed Rafael's hand as they walked towards the elevator. He turned his head around to see the whole squad staring back. Sonny saw Rollins give a thumbs up, along with a wave goodbye. 

“They’re watching us, aren’t they?”

“Yup.”

“I thought you told Rollins that we were back together.”

“Nah, I wanted to keep this hidden for a bit longer. I know what her and Finn been up to, and I didn’t want to ruin their momentum yet.”

The elevator doors opened and the pair stepped in it with the hand still together, “You sure fooled them."

As the elevator was heading down, Sonny sensed something wrong with his partner. As he was looking at him, Rafael was staring the opposite of his direction. Sonny got worried so he tugged softly on their intertwined hands, “Raf, you feeling okay?”

Rafael snapped out it and returned to reality. He turned his head to face Sonny and looked directly in his eyes, “Hey, I’m just happy" he said as he smiled, "I was just thinking how I finally get to breath out. I don’t have anything to worry about anything anymore, and most importantly, I have you ”

Sonny learned down and gave him a peck on his lips. Before they stepped out of the elevator, Sonny allowed himself to daydream, since Rafael had his turn already. He wanted to get lost in the thought of what happened last week. He never wants to let that memory go, as it was the best decision he ever made. As he remembers that night, last week, he gets lost before getting back to reality….

_Last week._

_Carisi stared at him._

_He didn’t know how to respond to him. He was so angry with him, but he was also happy to see that he’s okay. What was there to do?_

_Then it hit Sonny. At that moment, he felt more relived, than anger. He felt forgiveness regardless of all the arguments, the fights, and the heartbreaks. He was able to find room for forgiveness in his heart._

_The heart wants what the heart wants._

_And fuck._

_He wanted this for so long._

_He stood up from his seat and sat on the corner of his desk. He brought his arms to where Rafael was squatting and placed him to stand in-front of him. As Rafael got up, Sonny spread his legs and pulled him closer so that Rafael was in-between them. He looked into Rafael’s eyes and saw there was still tears coming out of his eyes. With that, Sonny brought his hand to his face and wiped his tears away from his face. He then wrapped his arms around Rafael’s waist, holding him tight._

_“Raf, I swear to God if you fuck this up I’m goin-_

_He was cut off by Rafael kissing him with the force that not seeing someone for 2 years can bring. As Sonny kissed him back with the same force, he felt Rafael’s arms wrapped around his shoulders and his hands holding together behind his neck. As they parted ways, Rafael said in a whispered tone,_

_“I swear that this time it’s going to be the way that we dreamed, Sonny. I have so many dreams for us, and we’re going to make them come true.” Rafael leaned in once more._  
_In-between kisses, Sonny spoke in a broken tone “Rafael, I missed you so fucking much. For the past 2 years I was waiting for you. I hated myself for waiting for you, because after all that you’ve done, but my heart couldn’t let go of you.”_

_As they continued kissing one another, Rafael brought his legs in-between Sonny’s left thigh and sat on it. Hands was still both wrapped Rafael’s waist, and Sonny’s neck, things began to intensify. Both of them have not touched each other for the past 2 years, and there was a lot of catching up to do. Sonny continued to kiss Rafael with a lot of force, Rafael started to moan into the kisses he was giving Sonny. He started grinding himself onto Sonny’s thigh and let out a loud moan that got Sonny back to reality._

_“Raf, as much as I want this, I have so much work to do.” He says, as he gives him small kisses in between._

_Giving him space, and holding his hands on his face, “Why don’t I stay and help you out with all of this. The faster you’re finished, the faster we can go back to your place and catch up on what we missed for the past years.”_

_“Oh, so you’re inviting yourself over?” Sonny joked._

_“Unless you don’t want me, I mean-_

_“I’m just kidding Rafael. Of course you can come over Raf, always.”_

_With that, Rafael gave him another kiss and got off of Sonny’s thigh. He brought a chair and placed it right beside his. He picked up one of the files found on the pile on his desk, opened it, and got right to work. Sonny, amused by his concentration, got to work as well. A few minutes passed by and he was shocked by Rafael’s lack of conversation. I mean, they did want to get out of here as soon as possible, so he had every right to shut up and finish their work faster. But the silence didn’t last for long,_

_“Sonny.”_

_“Yes, Raf?”_

_“I’m really hard right now.”_

_Of course, he was, Sonny thought. He knew that Rafael wouldn’t stop bitching about his erection, so he needed to do what had to be done. He got up from his desk, walked towards the door, locked it, and walked his way back to his desk. When he got back to his desk, he faced Rafael and got to his knees._

_“I’m assuming that this shouldn’t take long.” Sonny said fiddling with Rafael’s pant button and pulling his zipper down._

_“Oh, I know I wont last.”_

_Both men laughed at Rafael’s remarks. Before he continued, he got up a bit and gave him a long, passionate kiss. He never thought he would be able to laugh again with the love on his life, let alone speak to him. Sonny couldn’t see himself with anyone else, and Rafael thought the same._

_He didn’t need to wait anymore._

_This is his happy ever after._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of it. Hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> I 99.9% believe that the writers gave us the implication that Sonny & Rafael did indeed start going out with one another during the hiatus between season 17, and broke up the start of s18, which is why the flashbacks in the second chapter of this series was dated the way they were (2016). Rafael is clearly a character who is married to his job, and has time for nothing else. His season 19 trial was a clear eye opener for the character, and I believe that he used that eye-opening realization to accept and fight for his relationship with Sonny. 
> 
> Barba's cameo in the middle of this season (season 21) gave me hope for Sonny & Rafael once again. I find their relationship so beautiful. There was a very clear admiration and tension for each other, I just wished the writer explored their relationship to another level. SVU is the longest running prime-time drama, and creating a new, potential story for these characters will add more meaning towards their "ground-breaking" title, as it will fill the hearts of so many. Their relationship is so meaningful, and only if the writers we're willing to take that "risk" and make it official, I have a feeling that a lot of people will learn how to embrace them and create a happy ever for these characters.


End file.
